Growing up as Asian American, I struggle with my identity in the United States. At an early age, I learned English faster than I could converse in Vietnamese. My mom would always tell me how beneficial it was to use English and since I mostly spent my days at a daycare, I only got to speak Vietnamese with my grandma when I went home. Now, I struggle to respond to my relatives. Although, I still understand a fair amount, I can’t respond back the way that I could’ve when I was younger. I constantly notice myself fading from my Vietnamese heritage. Getting good grades and succeeding in school was pressure put onto me as well, and there were many moments of feeling anxious if I couldn’t meet those standards. Also while being young and impressionable, I felt at odds with society’s beauty standards. If I tried to fit more into Asian beauty standards I was too “Asian”, and I didn’t exactly fit the ideal western beauty standard either. It was like being in the middle of a tug-of-war, I couldn’t win from either side. Assimilating into the U.S. provides many opportunities for me to become successful, however this is at the risk of losing my culture. Relearning my native language wasn’t a pleasant experience on top of that.
Reading Catfish and Mandala, I found many parallels within the story to my own life. The feelings felt by Pham and his family living in the United States, showed similar experiences many Asian Americans face in society. Hearing phrases like, “‘Hmm. You two should be more like your older brother. He has straight A’s.” (192) was common among my family and relatives. There were always people I was compared to and sometimes I felt hopeless because of it. These expectations placed on so many Asian Americans hurts their self-esteem, and leads to a depleting mindset of thinking they have no one else to depend on for their success but themselves. Many are stuck in the constant cycle of worrying and over exerting themselves, constantly asking for a pause in life. Asian Americans also face difficulties while assimilating. Trying to be accepted into both American society and the Asian community, places them in a critical state of being at odds with themselves. Like in Catfish and Mandala, hearing someone say, “‘She became too American’” (184) about Chi, Pham’s sibling, Asian Americans can feel lost with who they are and what they identify as. Seeing many people online, and my friends share the same feelings and thoughts described in the biography, it reflects how we are all impacted by the same issues. It takes Asian Americans years to be content with their identity and for some it’s a never-ending battle.
To search for more of what Asian-Americans thought about their identity and how they fit in their communities, I came across A New York Times piece compiled with Asian American artists and their responses. One drawing was a blue and white image of a Korean American glancing sideways with buildings from both cultures in the background. Part of the caption by Dadu Shin describes, “As an Asian-American, I was constantly attempting to assimilate into communities that would inevitably exclude me.” Another puzzle-like image by Joan Wong had a caption saying, “I don’t remember a time where the duality of my identity was not on my mind.” Along with the other artists, Asian Americans have encountered and lived through these same hardships. Societies standards unfortunately never fail to make us constantly conflicted with our identity as Asian Americans.
While reading, “Home At Last“, by Dinaw Mengestu, I learned there were similar struggles from other minority groups also. Mengestu shared how “it’s easy to see now how even as a family we were isolated from one another-my parents tied and lost to their past; my sister and I irrevocably assimilated.”(pg 338) Mengetsu also explained when “A cluster of Ethiopians, my age or older, gathered together outside coffee shops and bars all over the city, talking in Amharic with an ease and fluency that I admired and envied.”(340) These quotes by Mengetsu illustrate how being separated from your culture can take a toll on how you view it overall. You begin to wonder what the purpose of the holidays you celebrate are, or what they even mean. The clothes your people wear suddenly become something you’re embarrassed of, instead of being something you proudly strut. Coming down all the way to your accent when speaking, your native language can be something you are insulted for instead of being appreciated. It’s quite common to find a minority group such as Asian Americans struggling to discover their identity as either American or Asian, one or the other. The relationship with each other is complicated, and still now many struggles arise from it, but it’s improving.
Sources:
Catfish and Mandala by Alexander Pham
“Home At Last” by Dinaw Mengetsu
“What We Look Like” by New York Times
Picture: Fresh Off the Boat
